The Bread Bakery Backing Your Vision

18 months ago I was getting ready to move-out of a 4th-floor walk-up that had an absolutely stunning sunset view. It was one of the first places I lived that I would rush to get home to, for that sunset. Or at Christmas time, was eager to see my tree lit-up from the street below as I pulled up on the block. The unit I lived in was on the south-east corner of the building, so when the sun shined down, it nearly turned into a sauna -- I loved that about the space. My plants did too. The thing about the location though, with the city and mountain views it had, it was extremely loud. I got all of the noise pollution from overhead, the freeways -- though distant, the street below, and the trains and sirens from the city. So in a way, being forced to move for my own safety after being gang-stalked while living there...was a blessing in disguise. 

In a lot of ways, the short year spent in that unit was extremely transformative. Starting not too soon after my attack in September '23, my hands started getting extremely weak. I had to stop tasks in the middle of them, and would get fatigued after some time playing my guitar or piano. This being something your body will do when it's trying to tell you, "I need you to let me recover." And that's the very thing that unresolved trauma does to a system -- an individual nervous system or an entire society -- it learns to ignore. 

Ignore the root of the issue, because the symptoms are irritating to deal with.

Ignore the needs to be met, because the trauma directly failed those needs.

Ignore the resolution, because it requires looking and dealing with the pain of the trauma. 

Ignore recovery, because it's easier to be comfortable than grow out of the vulnerability required to throw off the weight of trauma. 

Which is why, if you're someone like me who's been through the heck of it -- it's extremely important you find the people who get it. The people who understand the necessity of healing and recovery. The necessity of rest. Cause when you think about yeast-based breads, while they do rise in the oven, the initial rise happens when -- the rest. The break between kneading and baking. And the placement, environment and time spent during that rest is what will determine the quality of your bake. So really what you need in order to heal and recover (and also accomplish things in life)? A bread bakery.. the right kind. 

The funny thing about where I lived during a pretty horrific time of my life is there was a giant fig-tree just outside of the building, probably the largest I'd seen in my life. I really didn't know they could grow as tall as the one that was on that street -- maybe 45-50 feet tall? And down the street was a Franz bakery. When I sat in the courtyard of that residence, though, I could see another bakery: Wonder Bread. Seeing that Wonder Bread sign from the courtyard is something that's stuck with me since living there; when talking about alignment. Franz was down the block; I could see it directly by walking out onto the sidewalk, unsecured, outside of the fence. Were I to trek to that sign, that hung from the side of the building and look-out from that sign, you would see a street, portions of the city, but not the whole cityscape. The Wonder Bread sign though, I could see from the security within the courtyard. Its direction and viewpoint aligned with not just my apartment unit, but the whole city scape -- including our notable "tower of terror" -- something that's cut out of view were you to look out from the Franz sign. Were I to look-out from that bakery sign, I would see everything I saw from my unit, expanded even larger, in full clarity. 

So while it was disappointing to have to leave that unit, you can't exactly reach a quality state of rest in a "sunset" chapter of your life, if you're in the thick of a lot of noise, and if you don't have the right bakery backing you. Or if you don't take a good look at the whole picture. Find the bakery that's in alignment -- if you never get vocal about the vision, or the trauma that's distracting you, how will you ever find it? 

-B