Stop Fueling The Wrong Identity

Where are my goats at? The scapegoated kids who were given responsibilities that overrode the capacity to meet their personal needs. The scapegoated kids who parented their younger siblings, or even their own parents. The scapegoated kids who were misused emotionally, as a pseudo-partner to their parent. The scapegoated kids who had to just “figure it out”. While you grew up in it, and that’s the life you’ve always known — this role is not your identity. So stop nurturing it. 

Say it with me: I am not a scapegoat anymore. (Although you were one. Past tense is key here in releasing and moving past it.) 

But you already know you’re no longer one. You know that it’s a past identity — so the question and problem isn’t of awareness, it never was that. The question and problem is: why haven’t you been able to move on yet? Why haven’t you fully detached yet? What is needing your attention, so that you can move on? You haven’t been able to move on because you haven’t taken any ownership over the fact that you were scapegoated. This isn’t to be confused with identifying with the role, it’s simply this: owning your truth and your story. Cause this detail? That you built a blackhole of resilience to keep taking people’s bullsh*t, to keep betraying yourself, because it was how you were conditioned to live is no small detail to dismiss. So stop dismissing the fact that you have a manipulated understanding of selflessness. Selflessness doesn’t include betraying yourself and allowing your boundaries to be constantly crossed, in harm of yourself. (While I’ll save this for another post — morals aren’t determined by a list of specific actions of do’s and do-nots. Morals are determined by intention of heart alone. Meaning — a lie isn’t always bad. A bribe isn’t always sinuous. Manipulation even, when done to fix a wrong, isn’t always evil.)

But here’s what will make this shift into your true identity a million times easier than overthinking it — you have to allow the old identity to simply die. You have to fully release and relieve yourself of living it out any further. You have to reject it. In order to reject it, you have to start living towards your true identity (but yes, you still gotta own the fact that you were a scapegoat). So stop fueling the scapegoat persona, and focus all your effort on fueling you. This means, you gotta stop finding the molds of work, relationships or hobbies that keep you “safe” in that identity of the over-giver; in self-betraying selflessness; the perfectionist; the one who never has a complaint because you were conditioned to bottle it all up and deal with it alone. 

Look — we are not made to deal with everything in life entirely alone. We are not designed to go through life alone. Likewise, you were not designed to be a scapegoat for others. You were not created to be a black hole sun for everyone’s problems. You were not created to be a savior to anyone. That’s ultimately what a scapegoat is — an idol, a “savior” who fulfills an addiction of coping for someone else’s trauma. So essentially — if you care about the person who is scapegoating you, you’re their drug to cope. The only thing that will stop the abuse is you enforcing a boundary around how they connect and attach to you. I’d say most of the time, if it’s a long-drawn out connection, you absolutely have to go no-contact, if you truly want their addiction with misusing you to stop.

Here is the bottom line around this: that person who is misusing has a misunderstanding around doing life with others. That person who is scapegoating you is so far away from doing life with others, that they’ve resorted to misusing you and others to fill a void in their soul. That void, which is impossible to fill, will only be resolved when they do the work to close the gap themselves. (For more on the void and voice-led clarity, watch my YouTube video). So stop taking care of their responsibilities for them. Hold them accountable to them instead. The best way you can do that is to focus on yours.

-B

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