Standards Over Expectations

“Caring less” is usually in our best interest. Stop living your life based on your standards, not out of your expectations or the expectations of others. 

Here’s what I mean. 

When you care too much about another person’s whereabouts and business, you start to assume what their needs are. When you start to assume what another person’s needs are, that’s where wires can get crossed.. fairly quickly. Very possibly leading you to make some big mistakes causing extreme damage to a person's life, because you thought it best to intervene and do things your way. The thing is, people, while many of us fall into mindsets of "I can't" or, "I need a savior", truly just want to be able to do things on our own, on our terms. We want to be capable, we want to be strong and powerful. We want to be respected in how we go about our life. In order to feel that way, all people really need then, is support; not control. Validation, not exploitation. Encouragement to learn, not forcing to understand. 

This is similar to the "Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins. 

You have standards that someone would not project their problems onto you, and they did. Because of the misalignment of your standards against the grain of their expectations, they decide to intervene and take control, causing you further damage. 

So in a situation like this, stick to your standards over their expectations. 

You're not the scapegoat, for them or anyone -- regardless of the relationship dynamic. That's your standard, and they failed to acknowledge and respect that. They failed to meet you. 

So let them fail. 

Let them learn. 

Let them rise to your standard, or a mutual one -- sometimes people fail their own standards. That's why you need to stick to yours, because we are more alike than we are different. 

If they don't want to rise, let them stay where they are. The further you try to bring someone along who's operating on expectations and not standards, the more you run your life betting on hope. Hope of course, is a positive and good thing. However it is detrimental to bet your life on hope that others will rise to your standards when their actions have clearly shown they won't or don't want to -- because they're hung up on their own expectations. Betting your life on hope can result in inaction -- which will only cause you to let yourself down in the long run. 

But here's something I think is too often overlooked. That you can stand by someone even when they've opposed you and made you out to be a villain, the problem or the wrong-doer. You do this by sticking to your standards, conveying that, "I see the behavior you just engaged in. That was unexpected from you. It did not meet my standard for treatment or connection with one another. What are you going to do now with this new information? With this situation?" 

Really, it's attunement and engagement -- to respect your boundaries and if you care about the other, to help them improve as well. 

Let yourself protect your peace. Let yourself lean into self-love as you heal from their betrayal of your vulnerability. But let yourself be open to receiving an apology, an amends, a reconciliation. Because, hardening your heart and turning bitter isn't good for anyone. It's not good for your health. It's not good for relationships. It's not good for this world we have to maintain and nurture. 

Your standard then, in a situation like this should be somewhere along these lines:

"When I'm wronged by someone, I'm not obligated to force them to learn or understand. My priority and standard is that I will take care of myself before spending the smallest bit of energy on helping them understand that operating on expectations and intervening, damaged my wellbeing, posing a risk to my life. When I'm wronged by someone, I will separate myself and let them learn and let myself carry on with my life. I will tend to my hurt and my pain, but I will not let this take me off my course."

It sounds like there's a lot of effort and care in doing this and living this way. But really when you do this, sticking to your boundaries, things fall into place effortlessly. 

And that's what we all want, right? For life to be easy and effortless. 

It comes down to choosing standards over expectations.  

The bottom line: care more about your standards; care less about the expectations of others. Focus more on your needs; focus less on their desires.

The outcomes will play out naturally. 

Where nature is not only favored, but revered and most definitely blessed. 

-B

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 

800-799-7233