“I don’t want to leave.”

The thought of a 16-year old as she had to look at her reality, reluctant to accept the fact that the next day, she’d have to return to an environment where her autonomy wasn’t entirely respected. Where she was not entirely protected. An environment that took advantage of her nature to cope with pain. An environment that did not make a way to have the capacity to care for all her needs. This 16-year old wanted to emancipate, but she couldn’t comprehend the logistics around making it a reality. 

Here’s the beauty of voice-work, inner-child dialogue and trauma healing — you reconnect with a part of you that was once “shut up” for good in the attic of your mind, in the depths of your nervous system. You revive the life that was there in that younger self, when you find/think/speak the words that were critical for that younger version of self. As for me, “I don’t want to leave” were the words I thought which served two things — a crux to an addictive/idolistic dynamic with music, where the words within the context and experience I was in led me to idolize music as a means to find my soul’s freedom (come to find out — it doesn’t work like that). But those words also served a positive charge: the desire to create a life of my own. The desire to architect my life on my terms, around my own capacity and abilities. 

I need you to understand something. When you shut down a phrase like this — a crucial one — it’s not helpful to you. Inadvertently it’s not helpful to others or our world. Here’s why — that five word phrase holds something of value to you, where something valued can be toxic or healthy. If you suppress what that is, you leave results up to chance. I’m not talking about trying to control outcomes, what I’m talking about is being down to earth with yourself and your desires. When you shut down desire, which requires dedication, devotion, care, and attentiveness to what you are building or creating — you open up room for the opposite to ensue in that area. This is why, when I found these words, when I pondered on the name of the place we stayed, my body released a surge of sensations — particularly my lower legs. Your lower legs resemble your foundation in life, if you’re walking around with dead-weight of the past in your psyche, your body will manifest that weight into your body. My body responded in such a way (and yours most likely will too) because this is reconnection with a driving life force: desire. The Tolovana Inn (hilarious I know) wasn’t just a place that hosted a bunch of high schoolers for their choir trip, it was a place where I saw the possibility of creating a life without chaos. A life without abuse, gaslighting, belittling, scapegoating, misuse or bullying. 

The key here is finding where the spark happened and allowing it to breathe. What was the context, who were you with, what was the environment? Where was it on this earth, with your feet on the ground, where you thought to yourself, “I don’t want to leave this place” — “it’s too good to leave”. If you’re in a space of uncertainty, confusion, wandering or waiting for your life to take off, I want you to envision yourself in that space. Where was it that the spark went off and made you think “I love this. I don’t want to leave it.” Then say gently, “I will have that again” and move towards it. If you are going to reclaim your voice and your autonomy, relying on that spark of desire (not the crux of coping) is the only way you will ever do it. 

And here’s the deal: you can. 

-B